Missionary mailbag #1

For me, being a missionary is normal. But I recognize that, for most people, that's kind of weird. This shows up in letters I get in my "missionary mailbag." I'll share a couple, with my heartfelt responses, in the hopes of helping to bridge the gap between missionaries and normal people. Let me know if there's anything else I can do to help.

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Dear missionary mailbag: It must be great to be a missionary, serving God full-time and everything. Man, talk about good connections! I guess if you work for God, he works for you! Could you tell me what a typical day as a missionary is like?

My response: Well, typically, the missionary’s day begins with several hours of prayer – but only when not already praying through the night. Unlike most people who go to the kitchen to get something to eat, the missionary goes to the front door for breakfast – to see if anything has been left by the ravens. Then there’s time spent memorizing Ezekiel before responding to a dozen or so “what must I do to be saved?” emails. Sometime before lunch, there’s almost always a demon or two to cast out of somebody – usually the children. Most afternoons are spent telling people they’re going to hell and dodging projectiles.

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Dear missionary mailbag: I’m thinking about becoming a missionary, but I’m not sure if I’m qualified. How would I know if I’m ready? What could I do to prepare myself?

My response: Good question. It’s really important to be qualified and prepared to be a missionary. The first thing you need to do is get rid of anything that makes you look like you have any money. Trade you car in for a junk heap or at least take a swing or two at it with a sledgehammer. Learn how to say important theological words like “supralapsarianism,” “postmillennialism” and “potluck dinners.” Develop the art of uttering deep and inspiring “mmmm’s” when people pray. The rest should come pretty easy.

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For more inspiring and insightful answers, address your probing questions to your senator. Or you can try your luck at cdeal@christianassociates.org, but no promises.